true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
His nipple licking is glorious
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