why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Im part way to drunk.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
