Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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