My hand turned me down
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
