you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
