I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I will die if light touches me.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
