im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
