this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
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