I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
you never un-have a 4some
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
