I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Randomize
