That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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