as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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