Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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