I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Randomize
