I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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