i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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