i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
