After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I'm like, not good at living.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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