There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
