In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
