your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
