I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
