just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
