This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I lost the right to judge tonight
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
