Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
