Your face is a jimmy john
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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