just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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