i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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