My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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