I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Randomize
