I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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