I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
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