I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
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