i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
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