I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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