I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
lol hangovers are for mortals.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
