I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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