your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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