he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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