SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Randomize
