I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize
