booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
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