You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
