You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
