I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
