i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
