arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
