Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Randomize
