what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Randomize
