i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Randomize
