Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
